


Getting Better

by WeWillBeFree



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Disorder, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, additional sides/OCs, everybody is trying really hard to be helpful, more tags coming when fic evolves, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-25
Updated: 2019-01-22
Packaged: 2019-07-17 12:11:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16095419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WeWillBeFree/pseuds/WeWillBeFree
Summary: There is really only so much you can do about your anxiety when you keep ignoring it. So than Virgil is struggling at keeping Thomas healthy and functioning any longer, all the other Sides have to  do their best to help out.Or in which everybody is trying really hard to help Virgil out and work better as a group, but anxiety can be a bitch.





	1. First Problems

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time posting something here and my first time ever writing a fanfiction in English. English is not my first language and I am so sorry if it shows. Anyways, here is my attempt to contribute something to the fandom. I am not great with romantic stuff or anything, but if I know about something, it is anxiety disorders, so there´s that. I´ve got a couple chapters of this already written so I hope having something already published will help motivating me to keep on writing. Anyways, I am gonna keep the chapters relatively short (approximately 1.500 words each), but post twice a week. Tuesday and friday works well for me, so we see how that works out. I find great joy in writing this fic and I hope that anybody else out there also likes reading this or finds any of the things I will later on mention somehow helpful. I am exited to see how all of this is gonna work out.

Critically, Thomas turned his face from one side to the other, trying to get a better look at the hair on the back of his head. He figured that if he wanted to stick with the purple hair, he should get it recolored some time soon, otherwise the last color would fade and he would be back at his boring old brown self. Realizing what he just thought, Thomas blinked in confusion, repeating what he just had thought about himself. He considered himself many things, but boring surely wasn´t one of them. And this kind of automatic negative self talk was something that he had been working very hard on in the last couple years, something he thought he had quite good control over. Well, he guessed, maybe it was just one of those days where he had to pay extra attention to his thoughts as to not drift into negative self talk all over again. Because whatever color his hair had, Thomas surely knew that it never was boring. For that it had way too much character of its own. For crying out loud, his fans even had named the couple of strands that never wanted to stick in place. A small smile spread on his face when he remembered his fans strange habit of naming inanimate things when it came to him, and he grabbed his phone as to call his usual hairdresser to see if he could get an appointment any time soon. He probably could have done it himself, but he was too anxious as to try it, fearing that he wouldn´t get the color right or forget a couple of strands. And knowing his closest friends well enough, he knew that if he allowed them to color his hair, he would not only end up with the color in his hair, but also on his shirt and probably also his carpet. Not worth the risk.

Making the phone call was pretty easy and he got a date for the next morning. Anxiety-wise it seemed to be a pretty good day, considering that Thomas´ voice didn´t shake for a single moment when making the phone call, but maybe it was just the fact that his usual hairdresser had answered and he didn´t need to explain in detail what he wanted. Or maybe he should give himself more credit for the things he accomplished, like getting better with phone calls and stuff like that, Thomas reminded himself. He could practically see Patton standing in his corner in front of the blinds, telling him to not underestimate the small victories. Again Thomas smiled to himself. It really was a good day.

 

The next day came quickly and exited as he was, Thomas said his brownish-purplish hair goodbye for at least another two to three months. The first time he had his hair colored in that way it had been one of the most anxiety provoking things ever, not knowing how his environment would react and worrying that any stranger on the street would think of him as some kind of weirdo, making him reconsider the idea over and over. But now, over a year after coloring it purple for the first time, the trip to the hairdresser had become more of a habit than an anxiety provoking task. Really, all couple of weeks it was the same routine and by now he knew his hairdresser by name and she knew exactly what had to be done so there really wasn´t anything to worry about – or so Thomas had thought. Because the moment he reached out to open his front door, his whole body froze. The air was squeezed out of his lungs and within moments he could feel sweat breaking out and slowly running over his forehead and damping the doorknob his hand was still laying upon. His mouth went dry and his thought process suddenly left its rational path of remembering the last couple times he went through this task and providing him with an outlook on what he had to expect this time, and took on a whole other path. One full of worries and fears. One of images of the people at the salon forgetting his date, one of him having remembered the wrong time and people laughing at him for being so stupid that he couldn´t even remember the simplest things, one of his usual hairdresser not being there despite him having a date for this morning with her, pictures of her being distracted and choosing the wrong shade, or, god forbid, the wrong color, and the shame he would feel when trying to tell her that she made a mistake. It was all too much. In one moment he had been fine, going over the plan he had for the rest of the day, in the next his brain was running a well-known movie called “All The Things That Could Go Wrong” and he did not know what caused that change, nor how to fix it. It was like his whole brain had crashed within seconds and all that was left were primitive fears.

Forcing himself to swallow the first layer of fear and wetting his mouth as to be able to speak he asked into the silence “Logan? Virgil?” Surely those two were responsible for the error that just happened. He could basically hear Logan explaining how this appointment was gonna go, you know, rationally, and in the next moment Virgil was screaming abuse at him, silencing Logic completely.

 

Attentively Thomas listened into the silence, only broken by the first couple drops of rain on the roof of his house, being the first sign of a storm that had announced itself days ago. But nobody answered. Nobody was summoned. Nobody gave Thomas an explanation for what had just happened. The living room remained empty and quiet, the air suddenly heavy. Slowly he withdrew his hand from the doorknob, drawing in a couple of deep breaths. There was absolutely no logical reason to be afraid of anything. Really, this was more a habit than anything else, and he knew that none of the horrifying scenarios in his head would actually take place. But no matter what, he just couldn´t shake of his fear of being somehow embarrassed or humiliated. The idea of it was just too much.

Slowly he reached into the pocket of his jacket, fishing out his cellphone and calling the hairdresser salon to cancel. It was a short call but even he recognized how much his voice shook. No, he didn´t want to reschedule it. Yeah, he was sure. He hung up. _Everything was fine_ , he tried to tell himself. _Just one of the bad days. You know that you can´t properly control your emotions when you have one of these. It´s fine, don´t worry about it. It will be better in a few hours_ , Thomas reminded himself. But no matter what he told himself, the tight shaky feeling in his chest wouldn´t vanish. Leaving the house seemed like an impossible task. Every brain cell seemed to scream at him to stay in, to crawl back into bed, to be invisible to the world and everybody in it, so as not to make an embarrassment out of himself. And for once Thomas had to conquer these thoughts. Wetting his lips, he tried again to get an answer as to why his anxiety had risen so suddenly, this time trying to summon two of the other sides, considering that apparently neither Logan nor Virgil were in any mood to talk. “Patton? Roman?”, Thomas asked, even more unsure than the first time. After all, he never really had tried to summon his Sides, at least not without being given an explanation of why one of them couldn´t show up by now, being either busy comforting one each other or being too bruised by a mistake he had made. The only time he truly couldn´t summon a Side when he had truly needed it was when Anxiety had removed himself from the equation, and Thomas still remembered how weird and awful those couple days felt like. But now none of the four main Sides answered and the panic he had felt before washed through him again, rising again to the top and manifesting right under his skin. Something was extremely off and without his Sides there, he had no idea on how to find out what it was. Maybe there was a problem in the mind-palace or something like that, he figured. A place he couldn´t travel to, considering that he needed one of his fellow Sides for such a trip and none of them answered at the moment. For a brief moment he even considered summoning Deceit, just to get any kind of answer on what was going on in his mind right now, but Thomas immediately knew that that idea wasn´t any good. If he wanted important information, Deceit was the last person to ask.

“Okay, guess I´ll just...go back to bed then. If nobody wants to answer me”, Thomas said out loud, looking around his still empty living room. But as nobody appeared on his third invitation, he couldn´t do any more than trying to shake off the bad feeling creeping up on him that something was so out of control, he probably had an actual reason to feel anxious. Dragging himself up the stairs and flopping down on his bed, Thomas hoped that Virgil was okay. Because he sure as hell wasn´t.


	2. First Discussions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it is Friday, so here is the new chapter. Thank you so much for all the people who commented/left kudos, it makes writing so much more fun!

Logan couldn´t do much more than clench his teeth at this point of the argument. In the past twenty minutes he had pointed out every single irrational thing Virgil had said and based on them built an argument structure that supported his own arguments, namely that Thomas had to be afraid of absolutely nothing in this situation because _It is a task he has already completed numerous times in the past and the chance that it will go any differently than the last couple times are low to zero, especially considering that you are making him worry not about the actual things that could go wrong but about small things that nobody should even care about like what if his hairdresser suddenly hates him, which shouldn´t have an impact on his decision of getting his hair professionally recolored in that brightly choice of his no matter if there is any actual reason you are basing that fear on even though there is absolutely none, considering how nice the lady at the salon was the last couple times Thomas was there and – OH MY GOD VIRGIL, IT IS NOT IMPORTANT TO BE LIKED BY EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON EARTH._

 

Really, at this point Logan was out of anything productive to say and he angrily noticed that he was repeating himself in his arguments, but Virgil was no better. Today seemed to be one of those days where his hoodie wearing ever frightened friend just remembered A Million And One Thing That Could Go Wrong And Why It Would Be Better For Thomas To Never Leave The House Again – a book written solely on the irrational fear of humiliation.

 

His throat already being sore from shouting at the anxious Side just to be louder than him and maybe be rather listened to by Thomas and used for a decision making, Logan pressed his lips closely together and pinched the bridge of his nose, taking a deep breath. A continuation of this shouting match wouldn´t do anybody any good and their discussion had already resulted in Logan being to busy to answer Thomas´ summoning of him. He quickly considered answering him now, but checking his inner clock he realized that quite some time had passed since Thomas had asked for his presence and appearing now would only make him appear sheepish. Surely Thomas could take care of himself for a minute, it wasn´t like he preferred to listen to Logan over the other ones mostly anyway. Logan figured that if he could win this argument with Virgil without a third party being introduced to their little dilemma, it would be easier to afterwards convince Thomas that in this situation anxiety had no place, and the best solution would be the most logical one.

 

But, if he was honest to himself, a win didn´t seem to be anywhere near. Quite on the contrary, the angrier and stressed out Logan became, the more energy and fuel for his worries did Virgil seem to have, not even making a break for breathing to yell all his fears at Logan who really couldn´t think of any kind of new argument to bring Virgil back to reality. Because, in reality the possibility of any of Virgil´s worries to become true was low, sure, but it wasn´t zero. Thomas didn´t have the possibility to read minds, he wouldn´t know what the hairdresser actually thought about him. And, unlikely or not, there was of course the possibility that the hairdresser had suddenly developed a hate for Thomas for whatever reason that wasn´t obvious to him, or to Logan for that matter.

 

Logan often didn´t fully grasp emotions, but he knew that they could pop up without any reason, making people´s life unnecessary hard. So while his arguments were way better researched and had a closer link to reality, he could understand Virgil´s worries, at least in some kind of abstract way. Logan wasn´t easily embarrassed, but whenever he was, it truly felt like hell to him. Knowing that this kind of feeling came way quicker and stronger to Virgil, being the embodiment of anxiety and all, Logan was able to understand why Virge wanted to protect Thomas from any kind of public degradation, no matter what it took.

 

Suddenly taken back, Logan realized that he had just managed to put himself into Virgil´s shoes and see things from his perspective. He had worked on his empathy skills in the last couple months with some help from Patton and he was pleased to see that all the hard work seemed to pay off. Now he only had to make something out of his ability to understand Virgil´s point. For that he now understood Virgil´s intent and that his reasoning may not be completely foolish, he still couldn´t let Anxiety win this argument. Not because Logan desperately needed to win every single verbal fight he was in, but because it was a terrible way to live your life if you only ever listen to what anxiety has to say, especially in everyday situations. But since his rational arguments didn´t seem to have any effect on Virgil, Logan decided to try something else.

 

Of course Logic and Anxiety often clashed when in direct conflict. But Logan could provide more than just Logic. He could provide a plan, put carefully together to solve the problem at hand. Not Virgil and his intent of course, but the way his vision sometimes seemed to be too clouded by irrational worries to see the actual world. If Logan would be given some time to research and put together something, maybe even with the help of a couple of his fellow Sides (it would have been foolish to think that he could provide a better plan to care about somebody completely on his own, taking in the demeanor and contribution he knew the other Sides could provide) he would be able to come up with something that could really help Virgil, maybe even in a long run, and which would make way more sense than all this meaningless fights they´ve had lately and which seemed to only repeat themselves.

 

Being completely lost in thought, Logan had barely noticed that Virgil was still talking to him, now trying to explain another field of worries but failing greatly at doing so because most of his sentences didn´t actually have an ending because his voice shivered to much. Some of his arguments got lost somewhere between them, with Virgil´s voice being underlined with a ruthless stream of static – a clear sign that anxiety was way higher than the preferable amount that was necessary for an average human being to function. Therefore, seeing no further necessary reason to stick around and fighting it out with Virgil while already forming a plan on how to better these kind of things so that such an unsatisfying situation wouldn´t occur again anytime soon, Logan promptly interrupted him.

 

"I think I´ve heard enough of your arguments to understand your point. Considering that the situation in which you decided to join the conversation has ended quite some time ago, I do not see any reason to further discuss this with you. Please don´t see this as any kind of rudeness or insensibility of mine. I just see no logical reason to repeat myself. Now, if you´d be so kind as to excuse me, Virgil, I have an idea I would like to work on." And with that being said, he turned around to make a beeline to his room as to work out the perfect plan to help Virgil, all while his fellow anxious Side continued to stand in the shared space of the mind palace, completely baffled about what had just happened. In one moment he had been in a passionate discussion with Logan, in the next his counterpart fell silent only to state a couple seconds later that this argument was basically senseless and he had better things to think about.

 

Baffled, Virgil turned around to walk back to his own room, mumbling a "whatever" to himself. Only now that he wasn´t trapped in a yelling match anymore he realized that Thomas had tried to summon him approximately thirty minutes ago. But by now, Virgil figured, it would be too late to pop up and it only would make him look stupid and uncooperative. Plus, he couldn´t really tell Thomas anyway why he had suddenly so much to say about why it was a bad idea to get his hair recolored. Some days were just bad, he figured.

 


	3. First Plans

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here is Side (and chapter) number three. Soon we will have the whole quartett together. Also, I can´t remember the last time I had so much time writing a passage when writing about Thomas´other possible Sides. I am pretty sure that the next fanfiction I write is going to be about them. But for now, I am plenty busy with this one. Things are devoloping slower than I wanted them to and this looks like it´s going to be 40+ chapters if I keep the story at this pace. Well, time will show.

"Please explain again why´d you think that´s a good idea, Lo", Patton asked quietly as to not disturb the other Sides that were gathered in the shared living room space of the mind palace. Patton had been placing popcorn and drinks on the table for the other ones just as Logan had rushed in, taken him by his arm and pulled him into the thankfully empty kitchen. 

"Easy, Patton. You see, Virgil´s been becoming gradually worse over the past few weeks, resulting in high and, even worse, unpredictable spikes of anxiety. Anxiety that is so bad that Thomas can´t function properly anymore", Logan explained again with all the patience he could master. His throat was still sore for screaming at Virgil a couple hours before, and he knew better than to use the same kind of behavior on the paternal side, as he would much rather listen to Logan when he spoke kindly, emphasizing the need to help one of their fellow Sides. Knowing that Patton would do anything as to make them all feel the best they could, he didn´t think that it would take a lot of convincing for him to cooperate. But after the last couple disasters including Anxiety, he could see why Patton hesitated.

"I see where you are coming from, Lo", he frowned. "And I do wanna help them, both of them. But going behind Virgil´s back? It somehow feels like betraying him. And just imagine how he would feel like if we would make him do something he didn´t agree to in the first place. He would either fight the situation or flee from it. That is literally his job. He can´t help it. So I guess we really should ask him first before we do anything at all. Thomas, too. After all, everything we do will affect him. Maybe he doesn´t want us to go off on our own, you know? Maybe he wants to know what´s going on, be involved. He did try to summon me earlier. Too bad I was off with Roman in his dream space to get stuff for this evening."

Suppressing a sigh, Logan adjusted his glasses. He loved Patton, but this day had been completely nerve wrecking so far. Nobody wanted to just listen to him. "I´ve never said that this was the end product of my plan. It was just a first draft. Something has to change after the debacle this morning and this was the best thing I could come up within such a short time span. Plus, I think I need to be given some credit, after all I came to talk to you before acting out my plan, didn´t I?

"Well of course you did", screeched Patton and patted Logan´s shoulder effectively, knowing how much the other ones hated surprising hugs. "And I do think it is a good plan. It just needs some more work, you know? But I gotta ask, why did you come to me? You could just have gone to him, you know?"

Logan fidgeted, suppressing the need to play with his glasses or his tie. He would not seem half as serious if he would make it obvious that he basically always needed something to busy his hands with if he ever wanted to concentrate. "I wanted to. But I never really met him, you know? I´ve seen the videos from Thomas´ perspective of course, I was in them, to some part, being part of Thomas who portrayed him in his videos. But I´ve never actually met him. And he...doesn´t seem to hang out with us others."

Mentioning the other Sides, Logan briefly looked to the full living room. The whole couch, as well as a big portion of the floor was filled with Sides, mostly looking disturbingly similar like him and Patton. Only a couple of them were missing, considering this was movie night and Patton organized one every month so that all the Sides could come together, have some family bonding time, maybe discuss a pressing problem or two. If Thomas could see this, Logan thought, he would probably faint. The majority of the Sides lounging in front of the TV, snatching popcorn from various containers, was unknown to Thomas and a good third of them was considered Dark Sides – a name that just had stuck with them after Roman had muttered it in that one unfortunate video.

At this moment they were occupying the biggest, most comfortable part of the couch, mostly sticking together. He recognized Deceit inside that group, reaching over Despair and Depression to get his drink back that had been snatched from him by Desire, hissing at him.

Virgil was nowhere to be seen, neither sitting with the Dark Sides nor the Bright Sides that had loosened up a movie or two ago and were scattered all over the living room, hallway and stairs. Some of them who were considered more powerful than others had snatched up their courage and claimed a small portion on the couch for themselves, actively avoiding touching any of the Dark Sides. Even from behind Logan could recognize the distinct form of Pride, a close friend of Roman´s, who had taken place on the backrest of the couch and who currently busied himself with combing through the hair of one of his fellow Sides who had laid his head in Pride´s lap. Unconsciously, Logan leaned forward a bit so he was able to take a look at one of his brothers. Shorttaken he found out that it was Arrogance that shared a whispered conversation with Pride. Huh, guess it shouldn´t come as a surprise to him that these two were close, but still. Logan had somehow thought that pride and arrogance were rather like two sides of a coin, not something that would go hand in hand. The mind palace really could be a strange and exciting place sometimes.

But yeah, it probably was for the best that Thomas couldn´t get to the mind palace without the help of one of the Sides. This sight would presumably make him go insane (another Side that was thankfully missing tonight).

 

“Well, that is because he is not a Side”, Patton cheerfully interrupted Logan´s thought process. His complexion must have given away that he had no clue what he was talking about, and secretly Logan was happy that Patton just continued with his lecture, saving him the embarrassment of not knowing something. “He´s not a Side of Thomas, he´s a character of his. You know, like Sleep or October or Immune System or so. Given, he has way more character and screen time than those, but he still is just a figment of Thomas´ imagination and not part of his actual character.” Patton´s smile hadn´t faltered a single time while speaking, but Logan could feel the disappointment rushing through him. It made perfect sense what he was just told, and yet, should his plan end at such an early point? Without going anywhere?

“So there is absolutely no way to communicate with him?, Logan asked.

“Well of course there is, Lo”, Patton answered, busying himself with filling a tablet with another round of soft drinks to bring into the living room. “He does exist, just not here in the mind palace. This place is only for the Sides. Maybe you should try looking for him somewhere else.”

“And where?”, Logic asked, already scanning through possible places in his head.

Patton shrugged, picking up the filled tray and walking off into the living room. Over his should he shouted “He is a creation of creativity, maybe you should ask the Side that is in control over such things.” And with that he left, leaving behind a fidgeting Logan who couldn´t decide if he should rather check up on Thomas, talk to Virgil or go find Roman. At least he was one step closer to finding somebody who could actually help.


	4. First Glimpses

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we´ve got all four Sides finally together. Also, Logan finally reveals the first step of his plan.

Logan made sure to never actually enter Roman´s room, as to the danger of shutting down. He could process grand chunks of information within milliseconds and store them neatly away for Thomas to visit later if he ever needed to do so. But for doing his job correctly, Logan was dependent on a very specific system of order and regime. If he ever was to put an information file in so much as the wrong category, Thomas´ thoughts would get jumbled and he would only have access to half of the information. There was no way Logan would voluntarily risk putting Thomas in a situation he was unprepared for just so Logan could "take some time for himself" or whatever. He had a busy job, and he took pride in the way he did it.

 

But Roman was different. Not that Roman wasn´t organized per se. But occasionally he was just a bit...too much. Especially for Logan´s untrained eyes. Logic liked to work with cabinets in which he could store away the files with all the gathered information and rational solution proposals he had stored away for millions of different scenarios Thomas may encounter at any point of his life. His room was basically just a huge library in which one bookcase leaned onto the next, continuing into the eternal corners of Logan´s room, only letting a tiny portion of it free where he could fit a bed and a table on which he could work. On the contrary, Roman´s room was filled with personal items – a wild mix of furniture, heavy curtains, carpets in red and gold, an antique bed frame and a huge sparkly chandelier hanging from the ceiling, reflecting the artificial lights.

 

Today Roman appeared to have altered the light that came into his room from the big windows which reached unto the floor to a dark green with sparkles of gold in it, making the room appear more than a forest to Logan instead of a functional operation center for one of the most important aspect of Thomas´ life. But as Roman had finally opened his door to Logan upon his knocking and said Side looked around, he caught a glimpse of one of the things which were the actual reason he never visited the creative Side.

 

“Greetings, Logan”, said Roman, ruffling his already messy bed hair. “What gives me the pleasure of your visit during such an unpleasant time of the day?”

 

“It is not even midnight yet”, Logan answered him, “plus tonight is movie night. I´ve figured that you would be there and considering I didn´t see you in the living room, I thought that maybe you just had forgotten.”

 

“Well if that is the reason for you being here, don´t you worry, I didn´t forget. But I didn´t think I could make another social event after Patton already dragged me through three different worlds today. I mean, I understand why he couldn´t get all the stuff to make his special snacks for this one night per month in this dimension, and he really isn´t good with conjuring stuff, and I get why I had to tag along, considering that because I am the one creating all these worlds with all their non-existent limits to creations, he couldn´t access them without me conjuring an opening, plus if I would have let him go by himself, he would probably have gotten lost, so of course I gave him a bit of supervision, and we did have great fun today, no denying that, but...what was your question again?” While talking, Roman had stepped a couple feet backwards into his room, coaxing Logan with him, and letting his door fall shut behind the two of them.

 

“So you´re tired?”, Logan tried summarizing it, already exhausted by the unnecessary time Roman had needed to formulate an answer which didn´t even have a proper ending.

 

“Oh, yes. If you wanna put it like that, sure.”

 

Logan tilted his head, studying Roman closer. He really did look like he just crawled out of bed, not even wearing his usual prince costume, but instead some sort of pajamas with a print of the different characters from _Inside Out_. Logan bit his tongue. Princey probably didn´t even get the irony in this. But there were better things on his mind, things more important. “You´ve been feeling tired a lot lately, Roman?”, he asked. “Stressed out? Empty? Unmotivated even?”

 

Roman obviously disapproved Logan´s accusations. “I can´t really follow. I have been fine. Thomas is up to schedule. There shouldn´t be any, well, rational problems with my work attitude.”

 

“There isn´t”, Logan agreed, not wanting to stress out his fellow Side even more, seeing how tired he already was. “I just thought that, you know, with Virgil´s behavior lately, you may not have had the creative outlet that you usually require.”

 

The conversation was apparently draining Roman of his last resources, as he let himself fall back on the bed, being vulnerable for once. He knew that Logan wouldn´t care much and he wouldn´t have to worry about him getting babied like it would be the case with Patton, or humiliated like he would be if Virgil would see him in such a state. “Anxiety has been tough lately”, he endorsed. “But only in moments I didn´t need Thomas´ full attention. As long as his problems don´t interfere with my work, I don´t really see a problem with it.”

 

“Yeah well, you see”, spoke Logan, “that is the actual reason I am here. Whatever is going on with Virgil lately, it seems to get worse. We had a yelling match about something completely save and usually not anxiety provoking this morning that went on for the better half of the forenoon while you and Patton were in one of the dream spaces, collecting cookies or whatever. We didn´t even notice Thomas´ trying to summon us.”

 

Roman nodded at that, adding his own comment. “He tried to summon Patton and me, too, but we were too far away to do something about it at the moment. We figured that one of you guys would go and help him out.”

 

Slowly Logan shook his head, putting the puzzle pieces together. “That meant that Thomas tried to summon all four of us this morning and none of us answered. And if he called for all of us, it probably was important. Perhaps it had to do with the problem Virgil had caused him this morning.”

 

“And none of us went?” Suddenly all of Roman´s tiredness had left his body and he startled himself into an upright position.

 

“It appears that that is indeed the case”, Logan agreed, allowing himself the comfort of taking place next to Roman, nearly being immersed into his soft mattress and fluffy pillows.

 

“Then one of us has to talk to him. Like, right now!” Roman jumped out of bed, leaving behind a more and more confused Logan.

 

“It´s been hours”, he stated before he got interrupted once more.

 

“Doesn´t matter. Thomas needs us. That is what _we are made for_ , don´t you get it, Logan? Is Patton at the movie night downstairs?”, he asked and got a nod as an answer. “Good. He should probably stay there. He is a main Side with a huge impact _and_ a personal connection to Thomas. The other Sides will neglect the possibility to rip each others throats out as long as he is there. What about Virgil?”

 

“As far as I could tell, he hasn´t left his room since this morning. No wonder after the anxiety he gave Thomas”, sighed Logan. He would never get back to the point he actually came here to discuss if he would let Roman continue dominating this conversation.

 

“Alright, so somebody should check up on him, too. Guess, I better should do that, considering the last interaction the two of you had. And I guess you could also better explain to Thomas what happened this morning, as I was far away and only know what you just told me. So if I´d just-” and he already had opened up a door to the real world with a swing of his hand. But this time it was Logan who interrupted. Abruptly he rose to his feet, holding Roman back by his shoulder.

 

“Actually, I thought that Virgil could wait for a bit. I have a plan to solve a couple of his problems, but I do need to talk to somebody else before I can commence these kind of helpful actions. And Patton told me that you were the only one in the whole mind palace who could tell me how to talk to him.”

 

With obvious curiosity in his eyes, Roman shut the door to the other world and turned back to Logan. “And who would that mysterious figure be, I dare to ask?”

 

Logan licked his lips and took another glimpse of the other two open doors at the other end of the room which he had already noticed when stepping in. He was terrified of these things, considering they lead to strange worlds which possibly completely confined the rules of logic. Roman could conjure them easily with a single movement of his hand, but too often he just let them stay open after coming back to the mind palace, leaving them just floating around, ready to swallow anyone that would be stupid enough to set foot in them. One of these worlds was the creation space, the place where all of Thomas´ fictional characters lived. And with them, also the one Logan was looking for. The one he was sure of, could help Virgil out.

 

“I am looking for Dr. Picani. Surely if you wanna treat anxiety, a therapy session is a good way to start.”

 


	5. First Journeys

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Punctuation is hard, you guys. I am really trying, but I struggle with commas even in my own language and English grammar apparently has way less commas than German grammar does, so I usually end up with deleting half of them after I´m done finishing a chapter. Also I know that my sentences are not the shortest ones and I use a lot of participle phrases, so that defnitiely doesn´t make it easier for me. Anyways, I hope you bear with me through another chapter, both in grammar and in content.

Roman had left in a hurry to look after Thomas, only giving Logan a brief instruction on how to find the therapist he was so desperately looking for. None of the two open realms were the one Logan needed (one being Roman´s favorite, some sort of fantasy of a medieval kingdom he ruled, the other one being the nightmare realm, a place Logan had no interest ever setting foot in), so Roman had quickly with a swing of his hand opened another one, calling it the world of creation, explaining that it contained all the characters Thomas had ever created or thought about creating. And, after a very pleading look from Logan, he had closed the other two realms before leaving, ending Logan´s totally not irrational fear of them floating over to where he stood and swallowing him whole. Now he was gone, and Logan tried analyzing the rip in reality in the form of an open door that was floating away only a few feet away from him.

 

“No reason to be afraid, Logan”, he told himself. “Just because this is a world you know nothing about and where your own rules may not apply for the first time in your existence, doesn´t mean there´s anything dangerous about these things.” Gulping down most of his fear, he stepped closer to the open doorway. He was feeling high amounts of anxiety himself in this moment, and it was that thought that finally convinced him to cross the threshold. If already he was feeling anxious, Virgil really couldn´t be at a good place right now. Logan finding a therapist for him would prove to be an improvement for all of them.

 

Usually Logan loved to observe new things, but ridden by irrational anxiety which only worsened with procrastinating, he closed his eyes and took a large step into the unknown dimension.

 

The thick carpet in Roman´s room had been soft and good at swallowing every sound he had made, but the floor Logan found himself standing on now was made out of solid white tiles, neatly strung together and building a path which direction was lost to the human eye somewhere far in the distance. The path was rather narrow, broad enough for a human to walk on, but not made for running or any other kind of nonsense. Logan kinda liked it, especially after the sensory overload of colors and textures he had experienced in Roman´s room.

 

On the left and the right of the path there was absolutely nothing. It seemed to just float in thin air, soft gray surrounding it and obscuring the height beneath which surely would mean death for any inattentive walker. But even though a single misplaced step could be the end, all anxiety had left Logan´s body and he could breathe freely again. For a brief moment, he wondered about this manipulation of his mind, but he quickly came up with the conclusion that this place where he was right now, was actually no man´s land. While it was in theory the world of creation, it contained a multitude of smaller universes, each fitted for a fictional character Thomas had ever thought of. If Logan would enter one of those dimensions from herefrom out, he surely would feel like his own self again, simple due to the fact that he would be _somewhere_ again. But he thought it was fair to say that right now, he was absolutely nowhere. Even though that idea contradicted logic.

 

So he started walking along the path, watching his step carefully as he stepped around a corner a few minutes later, always looking for the doors Roman had described him would float to the right and the left of the path which served as the entrances to the small universes of creation. Sure enough, the first one appeared just after that first corner, shining in a bright purple. Logan observed closely how its frame softly melted into the gray of the surroundings and, curious as he was, reached out to touch it.

 

There was no writing on the door and no other clue that could help Logan figure out what kind of creation or idea laid behind it, not even with his superior detective skills. As he reached out, a handle appeared on the bright shining purple door in front of him and, interpreting it as an invitation, he grabbed it after only a second of hesitation, only to immediately pull back his hand.

 

The handle had burned it and the flesh on his palm turned into an angry red. Quietly cursing under his breath, Logan tugged his hand close to his chest, covering the burn marks and staring angrily at the door. Under his glare, the door knob disappeared again, leaving nothing behind but an even surface. If he wouldn´t know better, Logan could swear that the door was pulsing with light now, somehow stronger than before, nearly mocking him. He hissed at it, but, being reminded of Virgil and his primary mission by the glowing purple in front of him, he continued on his path, deciding to ask Roman about this phenomenon later on.

 

Roman had actually told him which door he had to take, quite detailed even. He probably didn´t want to risk Logan breaking something in one of the realms Roman was responsible for, or hurting himself. In retrospect, maybe Logan wouldn´t tell him about his incident with the evil door. Didn´t make his pride hurt as much.

 

Roman had told him that he should be looking for the right door on the left and explained to him that the more recently Thomas had thought about one of his creations, the closer to the entrance Logan had used it would be. Dr. Picani was still very fresh in Thomas´ memory due to the just finished Cartoon Therapy video. Otherwise, Logan would have to pass thousands of doors, wasting important time. Roman also described the therapist´s door colored a warm shade of brown and, as a lucky exception, instead of having a blank space without any indication of who or what may be behind it, his name was written on it on a neat little golden badge.

 

Logan had first found that odd, given that all of the other doors had been blank, but then again Dr. Picani was a therapist. This was the entrance to the space he welcomed his patients in, fictive or not. It was this sense of continuity, of logic, that gave Logan the courage to not shy away from reaching out his burnt hand to the described door he had found after walking down the path for a couple more minutes. Just like before, a door knob formed under his hand, and this time Logan could actually tentatively lay his hand on it before relaxing a bit and being able to push the door open.

 

Spread out in front of him was a very cozy decorated therapy office with a comfortable looking couch on one side, and a chair and a bookcase full of stuffed animals and other fanmerch on the other one. And in the chair a very familiar person was sitting, busy reading a book, but looking up as he heard his door being opened.

 

A smile spread over Dr. Picani´s face as he rose and closed the distance between him and Logic, reaching out a hand to the overwhelmed Side who still hadn´t let go of the door handle.

 

“Ah, it´s nice to finally meet you, Logan. I must say, Logic is not a very common guest in these rooms. I have been waiting for you, but just like I expected, you are exactly on time for your session.”

 

 


	6. First Sessions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter and the next one had been ready to be posted for weeks. But I only have internet again since this morning after 7 weeks without. The longest I´ve ever gone without for years, all due to me moving away. Good news is that my new appartement is amazing, so is the new town I am living in and I have found a job that pays my rent for now. And all these things help greatly with my depression and own social anxiety, so not only do I have more motivation, but also more creativity. Less time, also because I´ve started on a few other projects, but I am happy this is going forward. I also started writing on another fanfic in another fandom and it is going so well, that I will mostly focus on that. I´ll still post about once a week a new chapter of Getting Better though.  
> And just as a reminder where last chapter has ended because it has been some time: Logan just entered Picani´s office in the creative mind spaceto talk about how to deal best with Anxiety. Enjoy :)

Logan had underestimated how much being in no man´s land did actually affect his emotions, as he was hit by them now like a brick wall. Nervousness floated his system as soon as he tentatively stepped into the therapist´s office, followed by the nagging question of how he could have known of his arrival, seen as he only developed his plan this morning and definitely didn´t make an appointment of any sort. 

"How did you", he had to swallow around a lump in his throat, unused to that many emotions, "How did you know I was gonna be here?"

Dr. Picani closed the distance between them so that he could shut the still open door behind Logan, turning around to face him once again and grip his hand in a firm manner. "Let´s just stay I do know more about Thomas than most of you may think. Mostly because whenever he was thinking about me, he gave me permission to take a look into his mind and I am a therapist after all."

He walked back to his chair, motioning for Logan to sit down on the couch that was facing him. Slowly, Logan followed, still a bit overwhelmed, even though he couldn´t really pinpoint why. He never really did feel a lot and now it felt like he was feeling everything at once. How long exactly had he been in this hallway?

"So you, uh", he stuttered, absolutely untypical for him, "You read Thomas´ mind? Is that what you do?"

"In some sense, yes", Dr. Picani answered him, readjusting his glasses. Logan noticed that they were identical with the ones he and Patton wore. Of course they were, Thomas only owned that one pair of fake glasses. "Although it is more like a doorway. You see, Thomas has a very special kind of mind and he is able to create things way greater than most humans. So whenever he opens a gateway to a creation of his, it is a two sided thing. He can see me and how I function and I can see him and how his thoughts and emotions are flowing through him. Plus, I do have internet access in here and the Sander Sides videos are hilarious."

Logan had sunken down on the plushy couch very stiffly, not allowing himself to relax just yet. He folded his hands in his lap, trying to concentrate on his purpose, on logic, instead of the growing curiosity. Every answer the therapist gave evoked three new questions within Logan.

He decided to not respond to the Sanders Sides comment, seeing as it was not the most urgent thing to find out how exactly a made up creature that lives in a room in the creation realm that has its´ opening in the mind palace of a human being could have access to the world wide web. In the end, this was the world of creativity, not of logic. Roman could probably explain it, but Logan figured it wouldn´t really be a satisfying answer anyway. So he decided to rather comment on his first statement. "What did you mean with I was exactly on time? We didn´t have an appointment."

“Well no”, Dr. Picani answered him, crossing his legs. Logan glared at him, analyzing what the therapist tried to do to him. He guessed that by relaxing his own posture, he hoped that Logan would automatically mirror his movements and also relax. But he bet he was smarter than most of the patients that walked through this door, so he held as still as possible, his hands cramping in his lap. “But there has been a lot going on lately and I figured it would only be a question of time until you or one of the others would pay me a visit. And the timeline in here is a bit different than it is in the mind space or in the real world. It is quite fluid, actually. And sometimes it even defies logic.”

And then he had the freaking audacity to wink at Logan. He gritted his teeth. “So really any moment that suited you to come here is the moment I awaited your arrival. Now that we have discussed this, would you like to tell me about your anger issues here, Logan? When would you say did they start?”

Paralyzed by the audacity this guy had, Logan couldn´t do much more than tighten the grip on his suit pants, desperately trying not to tear them in his wrath. No way he would proof him right with his accusation. Nevertheless, he barely was able to control the anger flaring in him and he bit down hard on his tongue as to not make any involuntary noises. “That is...not the reason I am here”, he finally managed to articulate through his compressed teeth. “There is absolutely nothing wrong with me or the way I function. All my system run properly, thank you very much.”

Dr. Picani leaned forward a bit, never loosing his relaxed posture. But every inkling of a smile had left his face. “I can only tell you how I observe you, Logan. It is neither my job nor my right to tell you how you feel or what you are like as a person.”

“I am not even really a person”, Logan interrupted, but the therapist held up a hand, stopping him in his thought process. Logan couldn´t do more than go back to gritting his teeth, seeing as how much he hated being interrupted while giving a speech about an important topic, and he leaned back, awaiting the point his opponent tried to make.

“Like I said, that is not on me. You know yourself best and I am not to interfere with the knowledge or perception you have of yourself. I just wanna say that what you just told me about all your systems running properly? That sounded more machine-like than anything I´ve ever heard a patient say. And it has come to my understanding that you don´t see yourself as a person, considering how you are part of a human being but not a whole human yourself. Therefore, finding a corner of identification can be difficult for you, more than for most beings who have a physical appearance in the real world at all times. I just want to tell you Logan that if you don´t identify as a human, or even as a person, that is alright. But I need to tell you also that you are by no meaning of the word a machine. You don´t have systems, you have emotions and pattern of thoughts. You cannot run properly at all times because that is not how your brain functions. And that may also be why sometimes you have to endure waves of unconstrained rage against yourself and the world around you.”

Making sure that he had his full concentration, Dr. Picani leaned back in his chair, never breaking eye contact. He had spoken in a firm manner as he saw it the only way to get through to Logan, but now his inflection became slightly softer. “Speaking on a technical level, there are about 6 general stages of behavioral therapy. The first one is roughly called “before the realization”. It is the point in therapy there most people come to me because they were sent here by a friend or family member or because they have a slight inkling that something might not be totally right. You would be surprised how many of these people I actually see here.”

The therapist made a break and at this point, Logan couldn´t hold back anymore. He wouldn´t comment on any of the accusations that were made about him, but curiosity was a key point of his persona and especially the last couple sentences sparked many questions. And while he still didn´t like being analyzed (especially not in a way that hit way too close to home), he did see the benefits in getting to know the theory of the techniques that could help Virgil getting better. So he let his outward protective wall crumble down, mimicking the therapist´s body language and slightly leaning forward.

“Those people who do not come here because of themselves – do they come back for a second time?”

It seemed like Dr. Picani had to think about that for some time, formulating a precise answer in his head rather than just blurting out the first thing that came to his mind. Logan could accept that. He did somehow sympathize with the speaking patterns of his counterpart, seeing how similar they were to his. Full of information and the need to contribute to the situation, but sometimes in a hurry as if he was scared to be interrupted and cut short at any moment, and occasionally underlined with sudden sparks of intense emotion.

“Some of them do”, he finally answered after several long moments of silence. “But only if they somehow did grasp that not only did they need to change, it was also possible to change. So many people live with some sort of mental illness or other psychological problem for such a long time that it becomes their new normal. And once something is part of your normalcy and you accepted it as part of it, it is hard to develop the will to change or get rid of it. Mostly because it feels like there is no getting rid of it at this point anymore. You are just so used to it, you feel like it has become a key part of your character. But no mental illness is part of you. No trauma or false perception of yourself should ever find a way into your normalcy and have the same right to exist next to your natural and healthy thoughts and feelings. So whenever those kind of people come into my office, those who either don´t see that something´s off or who are too lost to ever see a way out of it, there is a single thing I have to spark in them which makes them come back, which makes them reach the second step of healing.”

Logan swallowed around the big lump that had formed in his throat during the therapist´s monologue. “And what is that one thing you have to spark in them, if I may ask?”

Dr. Picani simply smiled. “It is the most difficult thing for somebody to feel when they have been depressed or anxious for a very long time: Hope. Hope to change. Because without it, there can never be any kind of healing.”


	7. First Advice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who spend 7 hours skiing in the Swiss Alps today and was still awake enough to rewrite and finish this chapter? Exercise works wonders against anxiety, you guys. But that will be in another chapter. For now, the talk with Dr. Picani finally comes to an end. In the future chapters, I will concentrate way more on the four Main Sides, I promise.

Dr. Picani did leave him plenty of time to think about what just had been said. Logan, who mostly wasn´t great when it came to feelings, mulled this theory over and over in his head, looking at it from different angles. While doing so, his eyes fell on the diploma that was hanging on the wall opposite of him. And, as curiosity sparked, Logan just had to ask. "How come you have an actual diploma of having a PhD in psychology by the way?"

 

Dr. Picani turned around slightly, looking at the framed diploma hanging behind him, before turning back to Logan and smiling. "Well, that is because I _do_ have a PhD in psychology."

 

"But how?", did it break out of Logan. "I am the part of Thomas that stores away and knows about all the information he has ever gathered. And his knowledge about psychology, while existent, is not very large. For getting a PhD in a topic you must have studied it for several years and therefore gained a lot of knowledge about it. So how is it that you claim to have such knowledge while I don´t?" And even though he tried, he couldn´t manage to keep the frustration completely out of his voice. He was the part of Thomas that was supposed to know everything! If any other creation could come along and gather it themselves, what was he even needed for?

 

"Logan, you shouldn´t worry about it too much", Dr. Picani answered him in a comforting voice. "I am in no way here to take away your job or to take over your tasks when it comes to providing information for Thomas. And I could never do your job either because I do not have all that knowledge stored away that you have. Because, what you need to understand is that Thomas´ knowledge is also yours, but not mine. If I wanna learn something new, I have to do that like everybody else, the manual way. You are a Side, Logan. I am a creation. You have all your knowledge because you are part of Thomas´ character; a part he could frankly not live without. I am a creation of his creativity. Than I was developed it seemed like a good idea to Thomas to give me great amounts of information about psychology so that I could perform my job more properly. So I have that knowledge – and that knowledge alone. Whatever else I wanna learn more about, I have to read about or watch or listen to just like humans do. Again, I cannot, nor am I willed to do your job, Logan. We are so very different in many aspects of our existences that one could never replace the other."

 

Logan nodded, letting the information sink in and slowly he relaxed in his seat. Until this point he hadn´t even realized how threatened he had felt. But now he decided to no longer avoid the topic he came here to talk about, regarding that this felt more like a therapy session for himself instead of being here to get some advice on how to help out a friend.

 

“So, if I would like to convince Virgil to come here on a regular basis so that he´d be able to speak about his problems and solve them with your help, all I need to do is spark the hope within him that it can become better?”

 

“Well, that is the premise of any functioning therapy really”, Dr. Picani answered him. “If somebody doesn´t want help or is not ready to accept yet that they need and deserve it, there is only so much we can do. He has to be open to the idea of therapy, a change in behavior and routine, maybe even medication. Only if he comes here with an open mind – or at least leaves here with one at the end of the first session – and the will to change what can be changed and the openness to accept what cannot or shouldn´t be changed, I can help him. Without his willingness, it really is like putting a band aid on a broken bone.”

 

“You know Virgil, I guess? If not in person, then through the videos?”

 

Dr. Picani nodded. “We haven´t met yet, but I have a general idea about his character, yes.”

 

“Well”, Logan shifted uncomfortably in his seat, “not to talk trash about him or anything, but I mean – he is literally the embodiment of anxiety. How should he ever be able to overcome that?”

 

Sighing, Dr. Picani took off his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose. Then he got up and walked over to the small but filled to the brim bookshelf next to the door Logan had entered the doctor´s practice through. He rummaged through the highest shelf until he seemed to have found what he was looking for. Gently, he picked up a small figurine of Stitch, took out the book standing behind it, and put the figurine back. Logan briefly wondered if these decorations had any connections to the shelves they were standing on or if they were just placed randomly for aesthetics. He gave the book to Logan who, at the idea of getting actual written information about such an unknown topic, nearly leaped up from the couch, before returning to his seat and crossing his legs.

 

Logan´s focus now laid completely on the reading in his lap and he couldn´t help but mouth along the words written on the front. _Painfully Shy – How to Overcome Social Anxiety and Reclaim Your Life_

 

“It is written for people with social anxiety, but it also really helps for outsiders to understand the disease and help the affected one. It also includes a couple of tests and similar stuff, tell Virgil to feel free to fill them out or write in that book whatever he wants to. I can conjure a new one at any given time.”

 

Logan looked up from his lap and met the therapist´s eyes. “And this will help?”, he asked.

 

Dr. Picani hummed, crossing his arms in a relaxed manner. “It is a good start, especially when somebody is so lost in their illness that they cannot ever see an end to it. And many people like the safety that information brings them before they meet up to get a professional´s opinion. But you should know, Logan”, and with that Logan stopped flipping through the book and looked up again, “that this is not a replacement for therapy. I think it would be helpful if you and Virgil´s other friends would read this book and maybe try some stuff out that is advised in there. You know, show him some breathing techniques, explain to him how a daily routine can help, take him with you when one of you works out, include Thomas so Virgil knows how valued he is. All that kind of good stuff. The book explains it. Maybe if you guys warmed him up a little bit for the idea of treating his anxiety disorder, he will be ready to talk to me and get professional help that will help him on the long run. He may even come here on his own terms after you guys have shown him how treatable his condition actually is.”

 

Logan nodded, closing the book and getting up. He straightened some creases in his suit pants and walked over to where Dr. Picani was seated. He also rose up and shook Logan´s hand in a firm hand shake. “Thank you, Doctor. Really. This was more informative than I would have hoped.”

 

“That is my job after all”, the therapist smiled and let go of Logan´s hand, motioning towards the door. “If you would be so kind now though, I have another patient in 10 minutes and I still need to prepare myself for them. Serious Picani mode, deactivate!” The transformation that took place right under Logan´s gaze was astonishing. Where just a moment before had stood a professional psychotherapist with whom Logan has had the most effective talk he had in weeks, now stood the nearly cartoon figure he has gotten to know from Thomas´videos, smiling brightly at him.

 

Dumbfounded, Logan nodded and headed towards the exit, clutching the book he was given to his chest. Just before he stepped outside he turned around one more time, finding it suddenly hard to meet the therapist´s eyes as he still was smiling at him like the last half hour never happened.

 

“I just wanted to thank you for...serious Picani mode, I guess.” Embarrassed, Logan scratched his neck. “I don´t think I could have handled your usual self.”

 

Dr. Picani didn´t seem to mind the underlying insult and just shrugged. “Whatever my current patient needs. But”, and suddenly he was back to serious, just like that with a blink of an eye, “I need to warn you about something. If I may give you a good minded advice? You cannot ever love somebody out of their mental illness. You can only love them through it."

 

The two men – one a Side, the other a creation of creativity – hold their gaze for a couple long moments before Dr. Picani broke it. “Anyway, I hope you have an easy way finding your way back home. When you step out, head into the direction you´ve came from. The door you need to get back to the mind palace should be the only open one. Try not to burn yourself this time, would you?” And with that, Logic found himself standing back on the path he had taken to come here, staring at the closed therapist´s door in front of him. Slowly, he turned around and started walking into the direction he had come from, watching his step as not to fall into nothingness, the book clutched tightly against his chest.

 


	8. First Steps

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, the next couple chapters (the main part of the story, so to speak) will be about the treatment of anxiety and because I want it to be at least to some point realistic, I am doing some heavy reading and research so I won´t get it wrong. That also includes the book mentioned in the chapter before. But before we get to the "heavy" stuff, here is the last chapter about anxiety without Anxiety actually involved. Way to go.

When Logan finally came down into the kitchen the next morning, only very few Sides were still seated. Laziness was slumped over his bowl of cereal while Obsession was scrubbing the dishes. Virgil had found a very inconvenient place on the kitchen counters and was looking down at his phone, his hood pulled over his head and his face hidden by his bangs. Patton was there too, drying the dishes Obsession gave him and putting them away in the cupboards. He usually was the first one up in the morning, even if he had been the last one to go to bed, simply because he felt like it was his job to make sure that once the others woke up breakfast would be ready to go.

 

Logan walked over to the coffee machine and picked up the nearly empty pot. The last few sips that had been left by the other Sides would not nearly be enough to wake him up, but than again, he had a coffee machine on his own in his room, including all the fancy features this one didn´t have due to reasons of time efficiency. If there are multiple hundreds of people living in a space with only one shared kitchen (even if most of them were able to conjure coffee machines in their own rooms if they´d wish to do so, like Logan did), there was no time for some fancy options that took ten minutes to prepare. Even now, it only took Logan a couple seconds to get a new pot started and he stared at it impatiently while downing the few cold sips that had been left.

 

"Well, you are late today, Lo", Patton greeted him, putting a plate of toast with jelly on it on his usual space on the table. It usually only fitted six people, but of course could be adjusted to fit up to a few hundred, however many decided to join breakfast or dinner on that day. Usually, they were never more than a couple dozen though because many Sides rather stayed by themselves or had their own small groups with their own rituals and places to eat.

 

"Long night", Logan answered, thankfully sitting down and picking up a slice of toast. "I was able to obtain a piece of literature that might prove itself to be quite helpful and I have been up all night to analyze the content."A frown appeared on Patton´s face.

 

"Roman mentioned that you were off to gather some information on an important topic, but he didn´t want to go into detail. Told me that you would strangle him if you wouldn´t be the first one to tell us what you´ve got planned." With that, he picked up the now full coffee pot and refilled Logan´s cup who gave him a thankful look. "But don´t think I´ve simply overheard that you were up all night. You know that´s not healthy, Logan. You yourself always talk about how Thomas and eventually the rest of us should take better care of ourselves and how important routines are and you just go off and throw away your own precise routine? Because I know how you are about time tables and habits, Lo. Must have been important."

 

Logan swallowed his last bite of toast before he answered. "It is. And I´ve found more than I´ve even expected that I want to share with you and Roman. And Thomas, too." Patton gave him an encouraging look. "Not here, though. This information is better to be kept in...private. For now, at least", Logan added, and Patton didn´t fail to recognize how his eyes flew over to where Virgil was still sitting hunched over on a counter.   
  
"What, you mean because of Virge? He is so out of it, Lo, he has been asleep in that position for the last two hours. Slept through the whole ordeal that is breakfast and believe me, it wasn´t quiet. If that didn´t wake him up, our conversation surely won´t as well. Even though I am kinda uncomfortable hiding something from him. Keeping secrets is nothing that will make him less anxious."

 

"Which is why I will only keep it a secret until we´ve talked it through with Thomas and got his okay. It is his mind after all and I would´t want to start any experiments without his consent. That could truly confuse, if not actually hurt him." Carefully, Logan stood up and walked over to Virgil, lowering himself to his eye level and trying to get a look under his hood. Only to be greeted with closed eyed and a very exhausted expression.

 

"That´s odd", he commented and stood up straight, turning towards Patton. "He usually is a way lighter sleeper. He should have woken up at the quietest sound to make sure that everything is okay. That is literally his job. It kinda worries me that he is so inattentive."

 

Patton shrugged and walked over to where Laziness was playing with his cereal. "Guess you were not the only one who had a stressful night. Which is why we better have that talk with Thomas sooner rather than later." And with that, he pulled the nearly empty bowl away from the slumping Side who was the last one to remain on the breakfast table. "Time´s up, kiddo, you´ve had an hour to finish that and if my glasses ain´t dirty, it seems like Obsession can´t wait to be done with the dishes." Mentioned Side nodded tightly and took the bowl from Patton, letting hot water run over it. Logan watched for a couple moments, hypnotized how the other Side washed the dish in precise repetitive patterns, always careful to get it right, just right – whatever that meant for him. He only was able to snap out of it the moment he felt Patton´s gaze laying on him.

 

"Right. Talking to Thomas. I´m coming. Let´s get Roman and then we can go." Patton nodded, another smile appearing on his face. Logan knew it was fake, but at the same time, it was reassuring. Patton cared, no matter what. That was something that he would never had to question, and it was calming to know that some things were as stable as they could be when it came to people. And just like that, they left the kitchen and the three former Dark Sides behind.

 

 

 

 

 

 

"You guys know it´s really weird to see you somewhere else that is not my living room, right?"

 

Roman, Patton and Logan looked at each other and shrugged. It wasn´t their fault Thomas wasn´t in the main space of the house when they needed to talk to him. And if he wasn´t willed to get out of bed, they would get in there. Or, well, they would enter his bedroom unasked and scare the living shit out of their host and then uncomfortable stand around while Thomas tried to make himself disappear in a mountain of blankets.

 

"It is 11 am. We somehow thought you were up by now. I can see how that was a misconception." Roman nearly hurt his head due to how hard he rolled his eyed at that statement.

 

"It is Sunday, teach, he can do whatever he pleases."

 

"It is still not healthy to have a different sleep schedule for the weekend than for the weekday, we´ve been through this before. Also, it worries me a bit that you don´t know it´s Tuesday."

 

"It is?", Roman sounded seriously surprised and Patton decided to interfere before this argument got even more out of hand. Thomas didn´t look nearly awake enough to be ready to pay attention to one of their famous 30 minutes discussions.

 

"It is Tuesday, but at the same time that doesn´t really matter on the level that Logan means, considering that you work from home and your work times are not bound to the traditional 5-day-week. Also I think that we should give Thomas some credit because he did work on a new idea for the next video until 4 in the morning which is the first reason why he is still in bed."

 

"Exactly", their host agreed with him, "which is why it is perfectly okay for me to turn around and go back to sleep while you all leave my bedroom and come back later today to talk about whatever it is you wanted to talk about. Downstairs", he specified.

 

"Uh, except that this is not how it works. We are not just some lame side characters that you can send away because you are tired. We are the peak of the play!" And to give his point more emphasis, Roman pulled away the covers Thomas tried to hide under, leaving a very cold and annoyed human behind.

 

"Jesus, alright, you´ve won. I am listening." None of them had ever seen Thomas getting up so fast and for a short moment, all of them felt a bit dizzy before finding their balance again. "You guys can be glad that it´s the middle of the winter and I am wearing pajamas", he mumbled to himself – and therefore also to his Sides. Logan blinked away the dark spots that were dancing in front of his eyes and thought to himself that that really was a blessing. If he had one weakness, it was that he was not good with embarrassment, may it be first- or second handed.

 

"Great. Now that I have all of your attention, I feel the need to tell you what I have been doing in the last 12 hours. Patton and Roman already know fractions of it, as they both played parts of me being able to gain the information I now have", both of the Sides beamed at the surprising recognition, "but neither know what I have worked out to be the best approach to this very delicate problem. Don´t worry Thomas, this will not be a too long discussion. At this point of the treatment all we need from you is your consent to start with our experiment."

 

"Wait, treatment? Experiment? I am not sure if I am comfortable with whatever you are talking about, Logan. And on that note, shouldn´t Virgil be here, too? It usually never ends well if we have a rather serious talk without all five of us here."

 

"Well, that´s just ridiculous, Thomas. The four of us talk all the time without you there!" For that, Roman earned himself a serious dad look from Patton and a halfhearted elbow between the ribs from Logan. Roman got the clue and shut up, but he clearly didn´t like not being the center of the attention anymore. Rubbing his side where Logan´s elbow had hit, he mumbled to himself "And that´s the reason I usually never stand next to you."

 

"We agree with you that it is usually better if all of us are here, Thomas", Patton tried to explain before Logan interrupted him.

 

"Well, not all of us. Your bedroom could never fit all of us. Frankly, not even your house could. Not comfortably at least."

 

This was another thing that made Thomas peak up and the concern on his face grew. "Wait, how many of you are there exactly?"

 

"Exactly? I am not sure, as some Sides occasionally disappear and new ones form. Many also stay away from the common area and there are a couple who like to to dissemble their identity and prefer to take on the look of another Side most of the time like Deceit does, but if I had to estimate I´d say-"

 

"I´d say that it is not really important information. Nothing to worry about", Patton interfered once more.

 

"Well, that makes me just worry more."

 

"Which is exactly what we wanted to talk to you about. All the worries, the heightened anxiety. The rest of us agrees that it cannot continue like this and that something has to be done. So I´ve come up with a plan that along the way all of us have something to contribute to."

 

"A plan?", Thomas asked, worry now as clear as day written all over his face. The anxiety that hung in the air was so tangible that for a short moment, Logan worried that Virgil would be unintentionally summoned.

 

"Yes, a plan. On how we can make sure that Virgil, and in the long term also you, can get better."

 


	9. First Exposures

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in two days, it´s flowing right now. And this whole fic is by far the dialogue heaviest thing I´ve ever written. Quick reminder that English isn´t my first language and if there is something off with the vocabulary or word order I am really sorry. Enjoy :)

"So just to be completely sure – we´ve got your full consent to start with our plan, whatever the outcome of it may be for you and your health", Logan assured himself. He had been talking for the better part of the last ten minutes with the other two Sides throwing in an argument here and there where they thought they could be of any help. Thomas had closed his eyes at some point as if he had an headache and was clearly showing signs of uneasiness. Once Logan had finished and asked whether he would be okay with the plan so far, he had simply nodded, but it didn´t seem like the massage had truly reached him.

 

"Yeah, I guess. I just...I didn´t think it was that bad already that you guys had to work out like a full blown twenty step plan. I mean, sure I´ve got bad days sometimes and the whole hairdresser thing yesterday was just plain embarrassing, but I just didn´t think that such measures were necessary. Virgil seemed so much better the last couple times we´ve talked."

 

"And I am sure he is, kiddo", Patton answered him. "On many days at least. But than again, there are those days where he doesn´t seem to function at all and that...worries me." He swallowed heavily, openly sad at the way his friend was hurting.

 

"We´ve all got our bad days though, don´t we? I mean, I barely do, but there may or may not be the occasional day when I don´t feel as fabulous as one would suspect I should and creativity doesn´t seem to flow. Doesn´t mean I need therapy though."

 

"And I am not trying to undermine your experiences here, Roman", said Logan and turned towards the prince figure. "But it is not the same thing we are talking about. You see, you like most people with their emotions", he made a rather vague hand gesture, "have days they consider better and days they consider worse, depending on their overall mood. But your moods depend on the environment, on your thoughts and feelings. Your moods exist because of the way you behave regarding the things that happen to you and you react to them mostly in what is considered the normal range of emotions. Sure, you can be a bit over dramatic sometimes", at this point he earned himself a completely undramatic gasp from Roman, "but you still react appropriately most of the time. You are not a victim of your moods, so to speak, you don´t simply get thrown around by your feelings and have to wait it out until your inner life has somehow calmed down and you can think straight again. However straight that may be with you. To sum it up: You are stable in your mentality."

 

"And Virgil is not?", Thomas asked. At some point of the argument he had pulled a hoodie over his sleep shirt and now returned to sit down in his bed again, where Patton had joined him and sat cross-legged on the foot end.

 

"Well, we cannot know for sure, Thomas, but that doesn´t seem a too far off guess", he picked up where Logan had left. "Virgil´s main motivation is of course anxiety, since that is what he is. But we others are not dictated as heavily by what we represent like he is. For example, I can let you do something that I would consider immoral to some degree because I can see how it will benefit you in the long run. Like how taking better care of yourself can be better than helping out your friend that day, even though I feel responsible to make them feel good as well. Logan too is not completely bound to logic alone, as he has learned that sometimes the most logical thing is not the best one to do. True, we still argue about who of us you should listen to sometimes, but overall we´ve reached a way higher level of understanding each other than we had two years ago. And that is worth a lot", he smiled.

 

"So we can see a way that sometimes – occasionally when it comes to logic – our own motivation and feelings may not be the most appropriate ones. We can think our motivations through and decide whether we want to follow up on them or discharge them because they are not what is best for you and another Side should make that specific decision. We are not just mindlessly carrying out what our most inner parts are telling us to do. We can decide whether we want to do something about it or not. And that is what makes us mentally stable. Virgil though, once he feels high levels of anxiety, is unable to not do something about it. He becomes a victim of his own emotions and moods and looses control over them eventually. He just gets thrown around by his anxiety and it dictates him - and eventually also you – what to do. In moments of heightened anxiety he is basically reduced to the part that transfers it between your body and your consciousness. He can´t help himself. If something makes him extremely anxious, it will make you anxious. Because in his current state he only has very limited control over what he gives on to you."

 

At some point of Logan´s monologue, Roman had joined Patton and Thomas and sat on the bed, facing Logan. It made the situation feel all the more like a lecture. "So it´s like whenever I am overwhelmed by all the possible ideas I get and all the stuff I imagine for Thomas and I instantly want to give him all the ideas so that he makes something with them, but I have to stop myself and filter through them and only transfer the best ones to him so he isn´t completely overwhelmed. Did I get that right?"

 

Logan nodded. "It would probably only give Thomas a headache if you would transfer your ideas and emotions to him unfiltered. We all would overwhelm him if we were not able to sort through the stuff and make decisions about what is best for him to actually experience."

 

Thomas was wearing a thoughtful expression on his face. "I never thought about how much you guys actually censor yourselves while interacting with me. I mean, you are all multifaceted personalities with their own minds and emotions and stuff; if you all would just give that on to me at all times, I would like, explode."

 

All four sat in the room for a couple moments of silence, letting the information sink in. It was finally Roman who picked up the conversation again.

 

"And Virgil can´t do that, at least not in the moments his anxiety is too high. He cannot protect Thomas from it. It´s what makes him unstable."

 

"And it is the reason we have to help him", Patton agreed.

 

"Makes sense to me. Only question is why none of you thought it would be best to come to me and talk to me about all this stuff _before_ you called in this little meeting. I somehow thought that would have been the most _logical_ thing to do. And the most empathetic one too, or wouldn´t it, Logan, Pat?"

 

Logan, who had been the only one to have his back turned to the door, jumped as he heard Virgil´s voice and turned around, only to see the Side they just had talked about standing behind him, one shoulder leaned against the door frame, hands buried in the pockets of his hoodie. He threw a quick look over his shoulders to the other three sitting on the bed who looked way less surprised at Virgil. But than again, they had faced the door and had probably seen him appearing.

 

"They didn´t mean it like that, Virgil, I am sure of it. They told me that they simply wanted to have my agreement to figure some stuff out before they came to talk to you about it. Once I had said yes they would have immediately inaugurated you", Thomas tried to explain to him, exhaustion written all over the way he held his body.

 

"Well, they should have come to me before. We could have all asked you together once I – the guy you obviously have a problem with – agreed to participate in whatever the hell you are planning to do to me." Patton obviously didn´t like the cursing and drew his shoulders up a bit more, trying to catch Virgil´s gaze. 

 

"You are right, Virge, we shouldn´t have gone behind your back. It wasn´t supposed to be a big secret or a building up for anything, we just wanted to make sure we got a concrete idea before we say anything about it to you."

 

"So you figured you needed a plan to come talk to me? Thought that it was impossible to have a simple conversation with me because of how emotional I am? How dumb? How  _unstable_ ?" Virgil´s voice had become louder as he took a couple more steps into the room, approaching his friends. None of them had ever heard his voice being like this outside of his room in the Mind Palace, the way it seemed to resonate with his environment. And then, all of the sudden, all the anger faded. All the resentment and hurt left Virgil´s voice and what was left could only be described as a fatigue older than the person voicing it. "I mean, it´s not like you are wrong. It´s just that I had trusted you that if there ever were a problem again with me, you would come talk to me directly to see if we can find a solution together. Not plot a mysterious experiment behind my back, traveling to the Creation Space and having whispered talks in the kitchen and everything."

 

"You know about the-", Logan began, but was interrupted once again.

 

"Yeah, of course I know about your little excursion, Logan. It´s not everyday that Logic decides to travel into a space of pure creativity – the people talk. And believe it or not, listening in to what the people have to say to make sure it´s nothing negative is somehow my thing."

 

"Virgil, again, we are so sorry-"

 

"It doesn´t matter now", he waved aside. "Like I said, you may not totally be on the wrong path with your analysis that things have not been that good lately. Nevertheless, I think we are done with this for right here and right now. Thomas, if you´d excuse us? I believe that there surely are better places to have the rest of this conversation than your bedroom. I´ll keep you updated." And just like that, not only Virgil had sunken down, but with him he had also taken three very staggered Sides.

 

"Okay, sure thing Virge", Thomas said right before he lost sight of them. "And by the way, you have my consent to that plan of yours!" But they were already gone. "Alright", he muttered to himself and finally got out of bed. "Guess I´ll let them figure out the next steps by themselves. It´s not like it´s my mind they are experiencing with or anything." But truthfully, Thomas was kinda glad that he was spared the rest of the discussion the others surely were having with Virgil at this exact moment.

 


End file.
